10 Awkward Dating Situations Your Lifted Pickup Truck Won’t Save You From
You don’t know why you installed a 12-inch lift kit on your truck, but you do know that being up there behind the wheel, so high above the confusing world down below, fills you with a sense of aggro-entitlement to however many fucking lanes you fucking want to straddle while you sit fuming at a stoplight behind a Prius covered in Greenpeace stickers.
Unfortunately, all the jacked-up suspension parts and knobby tires in the world can’t save you from yourself in the dating world. Check out these 10 awkward dating situations your truck isn’t going to help you with, bro.
1. When you call her by your own mother’s name during sex, then try to cover it by making up a funny song involving that name while still inside of her, only to go limp and fill up with shame halfway through the second chorus.
2. When she tells you her dog died, and you reply ‘I know,’ and gaze deeply into her eyes while holding both her hands.
3. When the waiter at Olive Garden won’t accept your Sears card, even as a tip (IT HAS A BALANCE OF $4.59!)
4. When she tells you she was only dating you because she lost a bet, but not a cool bet like she could make you prom king, or get you to fall in love with her in 10 days, but a cruel, twisted wager involving how many times you smell your own fingers through the course of a single meal.
5. When she tells you she can’t kiss you goodnight because she’s ‘gluten-free.’
6. When she accidentally falls off the dock, and you pull her from the water, perform CPR, breathe life back into her lungs, and she still refuses to change her Facebook relationship status from ‘it’s complicated.’
7. When her dad breaks out a photo album filled with his own baby pictures after a long and uncomfortably quiet dinner.
8. When she tells you she really likes you, but she’s trying to patch things back up with her Internet boyfriend, Topher Grace.
9. When you find the jewelry you bought her repurposed into a disturbingly anatomically-correct Will Smith sculpture on her Etsy page.
10. When she finally changes her Facebook relationship status from ‘it’s complicated’ to ‘Belieber.’