10 Fiery Ways To End Couple’s Therapy

1. With a smoke bomb, just like your dad, Batman, taught you.

2. With a full-body tattoo that you reveal by ripping off your bodysuit and praying, for once, that someone actually fucking pays attention to you.

3. With an interpretive dance that comprehensively illustrates you feel about paying $200 an hour while your spouse eviscerates your emotional foibles in front of a total stranger. Hint: it ends with you shitting on a desk.

4.With a bag full of weasels that you snuck in under your coat, enduring their scratching and biting for a half hour before releasing them to their chaotic freedom in the second floor therapist’s office of a modestly-appointed commercial building across from your son’s school.

5. With an actual fire that you slowly assemble during the final therapy session from kindling (that you brought from home), human hair (your own), and your therapist’s diploma (that you knocked off the wall after ‘accidentally’ tripping over the coffee table in the office).

6. With a 15-minute short film that cuts off just before the climactic ending, leaving everyone in the room to glare at your empty chair with anger and confusion. Wait, isn’t that how your sessions usually end?

7. With the announcement that you’ve been living a lie for the last 30 years, and that you’re actually Duke Reginald Foster, OBE, and it’s finally time for you to resume your official duties as Chief Horseman in the Royal Sex Stables.

8. By calmly sawing off your own arm with a bayonet and then beating yourself with it until you bleed out all over the floor.

9. With a pocketful of firecrackers, leather underwear, and a marching band waiting in the street below to play ‘We Are The Champions’ as you crash through the window to meet your destiny on the asphalt below.

10. With the same calm and graceful dignity that have marked the few seconds before each and every one of the hundreds of other temper tantrums that landed you in therapy in the first place.

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