10 Personality Traits to Hide From Your New Girlfriend At All Costs

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There’s nothing more innocent than the early stages of a relationship. While she wants to get to know you better, you’re desperately trying not to scare her away, at least not before getting laid. You probably have nothing to hide… apart from the following 10 traits, which make you such a loser you’ll pretty much do anything to make sure she never finds out what you’re really like.

1. Gullibility

Curb your enthusiasm when you see the next “MAKE THOUSAND$ OF DOLLAR$ FROM HOME!” posting on a street light. She might think you have an IQ of under 40, when you definitely have one of at least 68, and make money at home every time you vacuum the couch cushions or clean out your car.

2. Indiscretion

We know, it’s hard not to tweet out every intimate detail of your new girlfriend, like her cute dimples, her fears of spiders and werewolves or her huge meat curtains. Whatever those are – you heard a guy talking about it in the locker room at the gym, and he intimidates you so much you now try to work the term into every possible conversation in an attempt to ‘fit in.’

3. Persecution Complex

She might be pretending to be allergic to gluten just because she doesn’t want to eat your cooking, but don’t call her out on it until you know for sure. Because gluten might not even be real, and that’s a whole conversation you’re just not prepared for.

4. Racism

That joke about the Rabbi, the Priest and your mixed-race cousin Mike is only suitable for you and your bros, bro. Actually no. It’s not suitable at all.

5. Dad Jokes

While most girls with daddy problems fall right into your lap, making her actually think about her dad with crappy dad jokes will do you a disservice. Especially when it comes to your lap.

6. Over Googling

PUT THE PHONE DOWN, YOU DON’T NEED TO CONFIRM THE YEAR TITANIC WAS RELEASED, IT WAS 1997, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. 

7. Constant Hobby-Starter

Most girls like it when you finish what you start… Plus, you totally said on your Tinder bio that you’re all about commitment. So either smash the bottle or finish the ship, dude.

8. Kleptomania

This is a big one to hide, especially if your girl is a member or the police force. At least don’t yell “Yoink!” whenever you pocket something.

9. Etsy-Addiction

If she asks where you got all the art in your place, just say “Oh you know, a garage sale.” You’ll have to really sell it though, especially with some of those pieces with your name and family crest on it. For some reason girls think that spending thousands of dollars on Etsy stores is ‘irresponsible,’ but you know it means you’re ‘edgy,’ ‘hip,’ and ‘capable of using PayPal.’

10. Sleep Masturbation

Well she’s going to find out one way or another, so lets just hope it’s not when you accidentally fall asleep during dinner with her parents.

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