10 Reasons Why You’ve Been Fired From 5 Of Your last 6 Jobs
1. Because you came to work covered in blood and broken glass, holding a toddler that clearly wasn’t yours, and then took an 8 hour nap in the break room.
2. Because you’re not supposed to sell 5-gallon jugs of gas at drive-through window as a ‘side hustle.’
3. Because child labor laws are pretty strict when it comes to hiring human furniture for those long, long meetings with management.
4. Because the ants got everywhere.
5. Because they technically can’t fire an intern, but they can hire a contract killer to terminate one on a more personal level, and they let you know by inscribing your name onto a bullet they left on the hood of your car, and you just decided to tell everyone you had been ‘fired.’
6. Because ‘squatter’s rights’ don’t give you a seat on the board no matter how long you’ve been illegally living in the VP’s penthouse office bathroom.
7. Because you couldn’t stop licking your fingers and that really wasn’t appropriate as a massage therapist.
8. Because the zoo was tired of you inciting rebellion amongst the primates and emus.
9. Because the metal plate in your head kept getting stuck to the MRI machine at the hospital, and they were tired of scheduling scans around your shifts.
10. Because Uber doesn’t let you work inside a mall, riding a bicycle, in a thong.