10 Ways This One Pill Will Make You The Ultimate Hipster
Hipster science has been progressing at an incredible speed, and the breakthrough everyone has been waiting for is finally here: a pill that will ensure that you fully realize your hipster potential. Forget having to memorize the latest bands and forcing yourself to scarf down obscure and disgusting foods, because you’re about to benefit from better living through chemistry.
Check out the 10 ways this one pill will make you the ultimate hipster.
1. Pill automatically takes over your REM sleep cycle and replaces your dreams with highly detailed instructions for training neighborhood squirrels to brew unmarketable craft beer from recycled kale.
2. Pill generates a magnetic pulse that erases your DVR’s hard drive and forces you to leave the house and hunt down artisanal VHS copies of ‘Cheers’ and ‘Golden Girls’ to be enjoyed ironically in a group squat.
3. Pill reconfigures your neural pathways to automatically detect the existence of the next Appalachian synth-pop group even before they have the chance to put out a single EP on a Czech label prior to flaming out on-stage at their first show.
4. Pill causes body to generate subtle pheromonal signals that communicate silently with the pheromones of other nearby hipsters, much in the same way a forest of trees represents a natural root-based network of continual information transfer. Except this is mostly about beards and lattes.
5. Pill allows for the absorption of near-lethal levels of information about Taylor Swift in order to provide for ultra-quick, non-ironic rebuttals to normies at parties Tay-Tay would never attend in a million years.
6. Pill imparts an immunity to the negative effects of ‘body hacking’ by way of supplements purchased at a bespoke bio-feedback store located under a flaming subway car in Brooklyn.
7. Pill reduces your body’s natural defenses against meme-based marketing until you become completely swept up in the cultural zeitgeist as defined by your Twitter feed and Instagram sponsored posts exposure rate.
8. Pill adds extra vowels to your name.
9. Pill causes you to pepper your daily speech with the words ‘social justice,’ ’embarking,’ ‘ayahuasca,’ and ‘verboten.’
10. Pill strips you of the social conditioning that prevented you from wearing coveralls – and just coveralls – to any gathering that could in any way be labeled ‘formal.’