10 Ways To Die While Digging Out From Today’s Blizzard
1. Beaten to death by a mob of angry neighbors after selling their children ‘banana-flavored’ yellow snow from your backyard.
2. Beaten to death by a mob of angry stoners after selling them ‘medicinal’ yellow snow from your backyard.
3. Beaten to death by hobo army in what future generations will come to know as the ‘shovel wars,’ heralding the collapse of civilization in your neighborhood.
4. Crushed under the weight of the snow fort you built, and then tried to ‘warm up’ by building a fire from the cash you had in your pocket – cash that is no longer of any value after the shovel wars.
5. Heart attack after spending four hours digging out your car, only to realize it was your neighbor’s car.
6. Heart attack because you are so disgustingly out of shape that all it took was a shovel-full over the shoulder to detonate the grease bomb that’s been living in your arteries for the past six months.
7. Cold and alone, writing out your last will and testament on your own forearm with your car keys, after your battery dies on the way to work and no one will stop to help the weirdo on the side of the road carving nonsense into his skin with a hunk of metal.
8. On fire, because the opposite of snow is fire, right? And because you got carried away.
9. Dead in a ditch in Las Vegas because you’re a snowbird and nowhere near your hometown today, but you do have a huge gambling problem that hasn’t been addressed until now.
10. Hunched in your garage over a pile of gold bars that you’d been saving to help fund the shovel wars, only to realize that in a hobo-based economy, scraps of paper, lint, and shoelaces have far more value than your prized stash. With a single bullet in your head and a smoking gun in your hand.