11 Red Flags From Your Google Search History That Stop You From Legally Adopting

We all want a worthy successor and someone to pass down all our worldly knowledge to, but no one really wants to do it the old-fasioned biological way. That’s uncomfortable, messy and full of heartbreak and tears (not yours though – they’re never your manly tears!) So you’re left to adopt, but apparently that’s harder than it seems. They double check everything, including your search history. Here’s a few of your recent Google searches that are probably stopping you from being a dad.

1. How many times are you supposed to feed a kid per day?

Apparently prospective parents should know this, but I’m with you. It has to be more than 0 and less than 37 times, right?

2. What’s the salty discharge coming from someones eyes?

Based on the number of porns you’ve watched you’d assume it was jizz, but the adoption agency will tell you otherwise. Maybe they don’t watch the same stuff on PornHub as you do. Or maybe they clean out their jacuzzis.

3. Whats the best way to describe muff?

This term comes up so often in regular conversation with you, but apparently it’s an inappropriate topic around children.

4. What medical condition turns nurses on?

It’s apparently “dick flu” but the research is inconclusive.

5. Can I pretend to be a high schooler to fuck my old teacher?

Just dress up like Steve Buscemi, say “How do you do, fellow kids,” and hope she’s turned on by back hair.

6. Why does my mom turn me on?

Google should know the answer, because your psychiatrist isn’t helping you here, and neither is all that back hair.

7. Can I save money by using vinegar as shower gel?

Kids are super expensive, and you need some financial life hacks to get around it including personal hygiene and cleaning supplies. Google says vinegar is a bad replacement for shower gel, but newspaper can replace toilet paper, and not just when camping.

8. Can I be sexually attracted to cakes? 

Jason Biggs showed us what can be done with a Pie, and naturally your mind wandered to cake. Unfortunately, kids are all about their cakes and there’s a lot of potential to be caught fucking a cake, especially if you can’t wait until after the birthday party is over.

9. How to make the cockroaches my pets?

If you can’t beat’em then join ‘em, right? However, pet roaches aren’t yet in society’s good books, so this might keep you from adopting a kid, much like how women couldn’t vote back in the day, or how gays couldn’t marry, or how tomatoes were only considered a fruit a few years ago.

10. How to sue people for using a patented dance move?

You and 7 other people are claiming to be the original dabber, but this isn’t like the Winklevoss twins and Facebook; no one likes dabbing and it doesn’t make any money anyways.

11. Why can’t I go on vacation in North Korea?

Being ignorant of geopolitical vacation hotspots shouldn’t be a deciding factor in your adoption application, but it is, so cancel those tickets and hide your passport.

 

 

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