12 Signs You’re Probably Eating Too Much Watermelon
1. You consume 5 – 8 watermelons a day
2. You begin to bleed from the anus because all the watermelon seeds in your intestines are making tiny cuts.
3. A co-rectal infection causes you to nearly die, and while on the operating table you witness The Watermelon Truth and the tabernacle of the rind.
4. You consume 12 – 15 watermelons a day
5. You get into screaming matches with your significant other over the amount of watermelon you are feeding your children. The Watermelon Truth is very clear on this subject.
6. You name your newborn child Watermelon, and while the state would not allow it, you refer to all your other children as Watermelon too.
7. The police start to take special interest in your watermelon compound on the edge of town. Rumors of illegally modified rifles bring the FBI calling.
8. 16 is the holy number of watermelons that must be consumed daily. 16 the number of seeds sown.
9. Your Manifesto Of Destiny gets leaked to the media and internet, revealing The Watermelon Truth as a betrayal of humanity and pledge to fight on behalf of the watermelons, which cannot fight for themselves. They all laugh. Until Copenhagen.
10.Third generation Watermelon Truth followers are being born with genetic defects due to the chronic flooding of their bodies with watermelon since the point of conception. They are carried in special palanquins and revered as god-humplings.
11. You can’t stop multi-national fruit companies from selling seedless watermelon, so you poison enough to create a hysteria across the nation that sees the market for the forbidden barren abomination dry up. Now the holy seed can spread as decreed.
12. Your disciple slips you a cyanide pill so you can die rather than go to jail for acts of terrorism and polygamy. The government has denied you your 16 watermelons a day for weeks and you worry this may affect your ability to ascend from the rind to the pulp. Blackness envelopes you, and you pass into The Truth.