15 Things To Not Say While On A Date With A Mermaid

Finally, someone swiped right on your Tinder profile and your luck really pulled through as this girl is exactly your type. She’s a totally real, very curvy, completely finned mermaid and she wants to go on a date with you. Before you completely ruin everything like you did with that vampire last week, why not take a read through this list of things NOT to say when on a date with a denizen of the deep.

1. “I was kinda hoping you were a fish on top and human on the bottom”

Sometimes thinking before speaking is a good idea if you want some fishy action tonight.

2. “I just love seafood”

That’s like someone telling you they like eating a beloved pet!

3. “I’d like to go for a dip in your body of water.”

Pickup lines are so 1999. You better find an emoji to express your fish fetish if you hope to get fish-laid tonight.

4. “Are you clean? The only other mermaid I knew had crabs.”

Fucking Sebastian and his steel drums!

5. “Those sea shells are more like D-shells!”

There’s more to a Mermaid than whatever goes conch in your pants.

6. “You’re not a little mermaid at all!”

And not all mermaids are named Ariel.

7. “I’m really into oral, as long as it doesn’t smell like fish”

Wait, do you smell that? That’s the smell of your chances dwindling.

8. “I can tell you’re impressed with me by how speechless you are.”

Unlike that other mermaid you went out with named Ursula, who just wouldn’t shut up.

9. “Why don’t we go for a walk after dinner?”

You’re gonna end up alone on this one.

10. “Do you have any fish sticks?”

That bulge below her waist could be a swim bladder!

11. “What do you mean you haven’t run a marathon!?”

Don’t be so quick to judge, you haven’t even finished your SCUBA certification.

12. “Does it taste like salt water or fresh water?”

It’s not like she tastes herself you creep. And if you must know, it tastes like heaven.

13. “Want some sea weed?”

It’s not like she brought her water pipe to the coffee shop.

14. “Are you really some kind of freaky genetic experiment?”

You don’t really want to bring her baggage into this on the first date, do you?.

15. “Is the Loch Ness monster real?”

Seriously, dude? She doesn’t know everyone in every body of water.

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