3 Basic Workouts To Drop 10 Pounds Plus That Extra Testicle
It might sound super manly to have a third testicle, but that’s only because everyone assumes that third ball is located in your scrotum. You know the awful truth, however: your extra testicle is a free-range motherfucker floating throughout your body like a monster marble, wreaking havoc with your hormones and occasionally freaking out your dog.
Also, you’re fat, and you need to hit the gym anyway. How can you get rid of this nasty mutation and sculpt your bod for the summer season at the same time? Read on for our 3 simple workouts to shed that extra trouble testicle while still bringing it at the beach.
1. Mega Fucking Squats
Have you ever seen one of those videos online where some dude is squatting like six plates, and one of his vertebrae pops right out of his fucking back, and he just keeps squatting and screaming, squatting and screaming, because his brain doesn’t know how to process that level of macho? That’s exactly what YOU need to do, except instead of permanently dislocating part of your spine, you’ll want to focus on pushing that extra ball out of the most convenient orifice. Pro tip: it’s probably not going to be your mouth, Squats McGee, so put down a towel.
2. Inadvisable Lunges
For this to work you’re going to have to shake your torso (aka your CORE, aka your ABS) to the point where you’ve managed to localize your phantom rider into your groin area. This is when the lunges start. The huge, horrible, JCVD-shaming inadvisable lunges. Carry 50 lbs of dumbbells in each hand if you want to, because once that ball finds a way to tear through the muscles of your pelvic region you’re going to need something to slam into your face over and over again to try and distract yourself from the excruciating pain.
3. Kettle Bell Chaos
You’re going to need three things for this particular workout: a prison weight room, an understanding warden, and all of the primal rage you’ve kept bottled up inside of you your entire life. Line up those kettle bells all in a row, Hulk-up like a fucking maniac, and start shot-putting them into a brick wall one right after the other. By the ninth bell, you’ll have found your rhythm, and also worked up enough centrifugal force to have forced your third testicle up into your throat so you can spit it in the eye of the jailhouse bully who didn’t believe you were nature’s greatest miracle.