3 Clues To What The Fuck Your Uncle Just Said At Christmas Dinner
You love your uncle, even though he’s not really your uncle but some type of distant family friends whose presence at each and every holiday gathering was just easier to explain by lying to you as a child about being blood relatives. He’s getting older now, and more than half the time it’s almost impossible to understand the shit that’s coming out of his mouth – especially when he’s deep into his cups of nog.
You’ve always considered this communication gap a blessing, but chances are he’s going to ask you at least one direct question in front of everyone at the dinner table this Christmas, and if you don’t give him the right answer, he’ll probably start to cry like he did at Thanksgiving.
Check out these 3 clues as to what the fuck your uncle just said at Christmas dinner.
1. Something About ‘The War’
Your uncle’s old, but he’s probably either too old to have been in the last war, or not old enough to have made it overseas for any of the other wars you’re pretty sure happened before that. You’ve never seen him in uniform, but you have seen him in handcuffs outside the Legion, so you know he’s got at least a few buddies who served.
Best response: Making knowing eye contact with everyone else at the table to show them you understand the pain that you think your uncle might be going through, while also communicating that you couldn’t possibly engage with him on a level of emotional experience for which you have no frame of reference. Then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, where you can check Facebook for 10 minutes until the situation has cooled off.
2. Something About Politics
Is your uncle a libertarian? It certainly seems like he is every time the local sheriffs show up to bust him for all the pot he’s totally not growing in the grotto behind his trailer. Still, you’re pretty sure you just heard him give a passionate defense of unions while at the same time disparaging government intervention in the free market. It’s so confusing to be old.
Best response: Bang the table with your fist and yell ‘YEAH!’ When everyone turns to stare at you, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, where you can spend 10 minutes slapping your own face while glaring at yourself in the mirror.
3. Something About You
You’ve always been your uncle’s favorite, or at least that’s what you’ve told yourself to explain away the uncomfortable number of email forwards he sends you on an almost daily basis. You can’t set up a conversational filter to just automatically dump those in the trash when he’s sitting across from you at the table, so what do you do when he points at your chest and blurts out sentence whose meaning is locked away behind Jabba the Hut levels of enunciation?
Best response: Burst into tears, run out of the room, and get into your car. Start driving, and just keep driving until the sun comes up. Check into a cheap hotel, but realize you left your wallet underneath your high school swimming trophies back at your parents. Cry again, or maybe you never stopped crying. Resign yourself to what you’ll have to do to the desk clerk to ‘pay’ for your impulsive decision. Merry Christmas.