3 Fun Things To Do With Your Kid At The Strip Club Because The Babysitter Cancelled

The Man In Night Club

It’s Tuesday, which means you were all set to make it rain down at the Fox Box like you and all the other single dads do almost every week – and then you got the call. The one from the sitter telling you she broke her leg at her competitive steeplechase lesson that afternoon and wouldn’t be able to take care of your little tyke that night.

It’s an incredibly selfish act, to be sure, but it’s also one that you’re going to have to deal with. What are you going to do now? His mom’s in the country with Stephen, her rich and doting new husband, and you’re not comfortable simply dosing your son with a low-grade sedative and leaving him tucked into bed at home with a cell phone pre-dialed to 911 on the bedside table. Not after what happened last time.

It looks like you’re going to be bringing your kid to the strip club, bro. Here’s how to do it with class and style.

1. Bring Crayons And A Drawing Pad

Have junior sit at the base of the stage and do his best to capture the allure and mystery of Candi, Brandi, and, well, Dave (it’s amateur night, OK?) in stunning full-color wax. Tell him that you arranged this special ‘talent show’ just for him, and that he shouldn’t focus too much on Brandi’s tears because no one else does, and doesn’t he want to be like everyone else?

2. Make A Collage With All The Glitter And Feathers

Smearing stick glue on some construction paper and then holding it up in the air while Carmen shakes a metric ton of glitter all over the front row can yield a surprisingly tasteful arts and crafts lesson for your little one – especially if she drops a feather on his table for garnish. Just make him close his eyes before she does it.

3.  Introduce Him To The Dancer Who Broke Up Your Marriage

Tina wasn’t ready to be a mom yet, which is why things never got farther than the champagne room between the two of you, but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t heard all about your little boy, and that she isn’t excited to finally meet him in the flesh. So much flesh. Flesh everywhere. What’s more expensive? Paying for Tina’s college education one dollar bill at a time, or funding the years of therapy that will be needed for your son to get past this night unscarred?

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