3 Keys To Pretending Your Crippling College Debt Hasn’t Impacted Your Sex Life
Even within the context of a safe and loving relationship, that mountain of debt you wracked up while passed out in the quad of your liberal arts safety school has a way of ruining the sexiest moments of your life.
How can you possibly maintain an erection when there’s a six-figure invoice with your name on it carved into your credit history like the 10 Debt Commandments? Don’t worry – we’ve got some tips to keep you fucking even though you’re already fucked (by student loans).
Check out the 3 keys to pretending your crippling college debt hasn’t impacted your sex life.
1. Don’t Talk About Your Student Debt On The First Date
Things are going well – you’ve made her laugh, you’re holding hands as you walk out of the restaurant, and she’s asked you if you’d like to come inside for a nightcap. And then, in the middle of making out, it happens: you get the overwhelming urge to blurt out that you’ll be in debt until the age of 77 based on your current rate of repayment and the extremely low earning potential of your Creative 17th Century Swearing degree.
Woah, there, cowboy. Nobody needs to know how much you paid to fire the kilns of your mind with the curse words of people who bathed once a month, if that, until at least date number four. Take some of the pressure off and just enjoy a few moments stolen from the incredible burden of your shitty financial situation.
2. Don’t Compare Your Dick Size To Your Debt Size
In the moment, it might seem hot to whisper in her ear, ‘yeah baby, tell me it feels good – tell me my cock feels bigger than the staggering $330,000 I still owe for college – yeah TELL ME NOW! AHHHHHHHHH!’ But it’s not – and even if it was remotely sexy to compare your dick to the huge financial hole you’re in, there’s no way your little soldier could ever come out ahead when visualized next a staggeringly huge stack of cash like that.
Remember: your cock is something you fuck with. Your debt is something that fucks you.
3. Take Viagra Prior To Opening Any Mail From Your Bank/Alma Mater/The Federal Government
Your dick isn’t too smart to be fooled by a little reverse psychology – or in this case, reverse pharmacology. By associating your erections with the firghtening number on your student loan balance sheet, your constant anxiety will eventually transform itself from cock-block to aphrodisiac, and allow you to get it on under the gloom of eternal financial hardship. Hehe – ‘hard’ ship.