3 Mythical Creatures That Live Inside Your Roommate’s Puffy Jacket

White Hoody Boy Gives A Cigarette To Black Guy

Ever wondered what makes your roommate’s puffy jack so damn puffy? Probably not – you’re more likely curious as to why he always pays his rent in the stickiest of dollar bills, cubed in bricks (and what that smell is, damn man, just do something about it please before it colonizes the rest of the house!).

Here’s our best guess at what mythical beasts reside inside that puffy jacket he seems to wear 24/7 – even in the shower.

1. Self-Doubt Gremlin

This is the creature that has prevented your roommate from getting a job for, well, almost as long as you’ve known him. Scrounging empty soda cans, ‘volunteering’ for medical experiments, and panhandling have kept him in the questionable comforts of your split basement abode for years now, and that self-doubt gremlin that crawls out of his puffy jacket just before each and every job interview virtually guarantees that’s how it’s going to stay.

2. Eagle of Loneliness

This particular crypto-creature has been residing inside that puffy coat since your roommate’s second year of college, when he discovered that his girlfriend wasn’t ‘experimenting’ with her Philosophy professor so much as ‘having her child through in vitro fertilization. Soar, solitary eagle. Soar.

3. Debt Kraken

The Debt Kraken’s tentacles extend far deeper than any ocean, and have in fact been wrapped around your roommate’s soul since he achieved what he laughably terms ‘financial independence’ from his parents at the tender age of 22. The poly-down fill of his puffy coat keeps its six-digit sums warm at night, allowing them to compound themselves into a multi-headed hydra of insolubility.

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