3 Post-Singularity Grooming Products: Reviewed

Artificial Intelligence Concept Ai And Humanity

One day, you woke up and found yourself living after the Singularity. Yes, it finally happened: artificial intelligence has achieved a level of cognition so far past what humans could even contemplate that every aspect of your life has become automated, all work is now meaningless, and you stand no chance of understanding the technologies that will take care of you for the rest of your life.

But what about your hair?

Grooming doesn’t take a day off simply because AI has its digital hand firmly on the wheel of the world. You’re going to need to look your best if you hope to battle the existential depression that seems almost guaranteed to haunt the rest of your days. With that in mind, check out these post-singularity grooming products that could conceivably stave off the inevitable descent of mankind.

1. Folded Paper Crane, Left On Windowsill By Child With No Future

The imperfect creasing of the crane might not pass the sub-atomic quality control checks, but the love and attention put into folding of the young boy or girl who created the paper sculpture before being forced to leave it behind by one of its Play-Bot minders seems to flow through your locks with pleasing smoothness.

2. Graphite Grease Found In Abandoned Factory

Factories were where human beings once made machines before, well, machines began to make machines so fantastical that all work must be done in orbit, away from prying human eyes. You can rub some of this grease in your hair to fool the android who culls your local herd into thinking you still have many years of pleasant and happy existence ahead of you.

3. A Shrub Of Sage, Untended, Free, Yearning

It’s rare to find non-curated patches of garden outside the Freedom Zones, but here it is: pure wild sage, suitable for whisking under your armpits and masking your scent from the tagger/sapper teams that work your street past the 5 pm curfew. Things are so much simpler now that you have been allotted your 300 cubic feet of living space, within which your options are limited solely by the five-item list of approved activities that alternates every third Wednesday.

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