3 Regrets You Have After Eating Your Grandma’s Crack Cookies

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Your grandma is an amazing cook, but unfortunately, she’s also a crackhead. Some family secrets are more embarrassing than others, of course, but you wish that your parents had told you about Mee-Maw’s ‘special baking’ before she got you hooked on her crack cookies over Christmas break. Now, you’re sweating balls at a 2 pm profit meeting, eyes darting around the board room, constantly checking your watch, and counting down the seconds until you can smear cookie paste all over your gums while smoking crumbs in the executive bathroom.

Check out these 3 regrets you have now that you’re hooked on crack cookies.

1. You Never Really Stopped To Appreciate The Little Things

The warm rays of the sun on your face, the way the sand felt under your toes on the beach, the musical laughter of children playing in the park – back before you raided the crack cookie jar, you never really appreciated how much joy and wonder there was in the world. In the alley behind the methadone clinic, crumbs all over your chest, wallet stolen, sleeping in a pile of vomit, and seven court orders removed from your family, all you can think about is how quickly you’d break a toddler’s neck just to get your hands on another plate of fresh-baked tollhouse.

2. You Didn’t Realize How Amazing Crack Really Was

Why didn’t anyone clue you in to the fact that crack was the most incredible thing in the fucking universe? Think of all those years wasted chasing career, family, love, and acceptance, when all you really needed was a crack cookie in your mouth and a network of relatives willing to hide the fact that your grammy’s baking turned you into a junkie.

3. Why Can’t Crack Be In Everything?

Crack toothpaste? Crack shampoo? Crack crackers? Powdered crack you can sprinkle over your crack flakes? The market potential is ENORMOUS and NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO YOU! Is that maybe because you’re wearing a loincloth and stuffing cookies in your mouth while chanting backwards at the bottom of a subway escalator? NO WAY MAN – IT’S AN ANTI-CRACK CONSPIRACY!

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