3 Scrotal Lift Exercises You Can Try During Your Next Performance Review
Is there anything more emasculating than your direct supervisor standing in front of you while reading your personal litany of minor offenses, missed deadlines, and goals left to die by the roadside? We didn’t think so. In fact, performance reviews are really only good for confirming that the rest of the world is as aware of your shortcomings as you are, making it one more tool society can wield as it chips away your agency and suffocates your masculinity under a wave of diminished expectations.
How can you fight back? Forget trying harder at work – how about you score a direct hit for the patriarchy with these uplifting scrotal exercises that not only strengthen the root of your manhood, but are also completely undetectable from the other side of that big executive desk you’re being crucified on.
Check out these 3 scrotal lift exercises you can try during your next performance review.
The Hanging Shame-Curl
Remember that scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre where Leatherface impales a college co-ed on a meat-hook? This is exactly like that, except the co-ed is a half-pound weight and the meat-hook is a fishing lure you artfully – and bloodlessly – slipped through your taint that morning in the shower. Contract, release. Contract, release. Or maybe you could visit a professional piercer, it’s up to you.
The Superglue Snap
Ignore the warnings on the label: this is one instance where you’ll want to get superglue all over your skin. Specifically, just like it does naturally every summer in that humid cell you call an apartment, you’ll need your scrotum to securely attach itself to your inner thigh. Once firmly glued, spend the 20 minute session with your boss trying to peel it away from you’re your leg – without using your hands. If at first you don’t succeed, or well, by the very end of the day at least you should probably seek medical attention.
Tie a piece of string around your sack like your ex-girlfriend’s Cosmo magazine was always trying to get you to do. Loop the other end to your big toe. Tap your way through the meeting to the beat of ‘Staying Alive.’