3 Sex Moves Too Intimate For You To Attempt While Sober

Upset Young Couple Having Problems With Sex.

Let’s face it: the human body is a terrifyingly wet and squishy vessel for the soul, and any sexual encounters you might have require you to insulate yourself as much as possible against accidental eye contact or an errant phrase that could indicate you’ve made a connection with someone other than your therapist. That’s why you haven’t had sex sober since grade school, a trend you have no intention of breaking.

Let’s take a look at three sex moves that are just too intimate for you to try without the numbing effects of an alcoholic haze.

1. Woman-On-Top

This is just too much like summer camp, when that older counselor would make you side crisscross-applesauce on his lap and pretend you were on the tilt-a-whirl together. Now that the tables have turned, and you’re the counselor, you can’t help superimposing your own face over her delicate features, which makes it even more awkward when you call out your own name during orgasm.

2. Standing Face-To-Face

She told you she was a ballerina all through college, and when she lifted her leg up over her own head in a stunning display of plie (check) you instantly went soft thinking about how close your faces would be as you stood there, making the beast with two backs, supporting her weight, her hopes, her dreams, her future, with your woefully inadequate moral character.

3. Keg-Stand Cunnilingus

You don’t know how or why you ended up in the backyard of this party, eating out some anonymous co-ed while she does a hand stand on a keg of Coors, but you do know that if you were sober, you’d be a lot less comfortable with everyone filming the entire thing on Periscope.

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