3 Signs She’s Going To Cast A Spell On Your Junk

Magic Book

Marla seemed pretty cool when you met her at Hot Topic, and the way she smiled at you when she gave you her number and told you when her shift ended (9 pm, just like every other store in the mall) gave you cool, confident, manly butterflies in your stomach.

Now, though, you’re lying on the floor in her enchanted basement, she’s opened what seems to be some kind of ancient, glowing chest, and she’s reading out loud from a book that has MAGICK printed on the leather cover in bright gold letters. Oh, and you’re naked outside of a medical context, which is new for you.

Check out these 3 signs she’s about to cast a spell on your junk.

1. She’s Already Floating, Mid-Air, Above Your Groin

Levitation is cool, but whenever it occurs near your cash and prizes, you have a right to be concerned. Especially since she’s wearing a mask that seems to be made out of a combination of cow skull and chrome, with no visible means of support between her and your rusted root. Also, she’s sprinkling something on your bare skin that glows, burns, and then disappears as soon as it touches your body, which is pretty high on the list of really alarming shit.

2. She’s Chanting Your Name Backwards And Her Eyes Are Turning Red

You aren’t quite sure how you knew it was your name being said backwards, or why the world surrounding the two of you shrunk down to a tiny, black dot illuminated only by the deep red glow of her eyes, but the last time this happened, you were hairless below the waist for six months, which really freaked everyone out at the YMCA changing room, and was really hard to explain to your GP.

3. She Says Your Junk Is The Key To Ending A War In The Spirit Realm That Has Been Raging For 3,000 Years

The thing is, that’s what every girl on MagicTinder uses as her pick-up like, so can you really trust Marla? And can you really believe that once she’s done using your disembodied dick to fight the good fight, she’ll actually return it in one piece, and not scatter it to the four corners of this particular dimensional plane in an effort to disperse its power and prevent a spiritual cataclysm? Probably not, bro. Probably not.

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