3 Signs That Fucking Falcon Is Going To Take Your Face Off

woman in a blue hooded cloak holding a falcon on his arm

When the two of your first met at the Renn Fair, everything seemed cool. She was into your carefully-prepared cardboard armor, or at the very least pretended to be, and you couldn’t get enough of her elven ears and inability to stop smiling at everything you said.

When you went to pick her up the next weekend for your official first date, however, things got a littleā€¦dangerous. Because she owns a fucking falcon. You had no idea she was this committed to her medieval cosplay, and now you’re sitting in her living room staring it in its death-dealing eyes, convinced you’ve got mere moments to live.

Check out these 3 signs that fucking falcon is going to take your fucking face right off.

1. The Fucking Falcon Has No Respect For Human Life

What, exactly, do you think your existence means to that magnificent bird of prey? Absolutely nothing. Less. Than. Zero. The fucking falcon cares not for civilization, quantum physics, agriculture, or any of the other so-called achievements of man. It understands only two things: that you are bound to the Earth by the constraints of gravity that it so casually shrugs aside with its powerful wings, and that you are flesh to be consumed.

2. The Fucking Falcon Can’t Be Controlled

Sure, she takes it out into the field for it to hunt mice, rabbits, and other pathetic mammals, wearing her thick leather gauntlets so she can take its hefty weight on her left arm. But the fucking falcon is under no one’s command – it only takes to the sky when she asks because it pleases it to demonstrate its adept hunting ability to the world. Put it this way: the falcon might have a ‘go’ button, but there sure as hell isn’t a ‘stop’ button.

3. The Fucking Falcon Can See Into Your Heart

Sure, you had dinner reservations for tonight, but is that really all you had planned? Of course not – those elven ears are impossible to resist, and you were going to at least try to get to almost-second-base during the Uber ride home. Did you think you could conceal the lust that lurks inside of your heart from the fucking falcon? Good luck with that – it saw through to your feeble soul the second you walked through the door. But don’t worry, face transplants are totally a thing these days.

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