3 Signs That Handshake’s Been Going On Too Long, Bro

Black and white portrait of two young handsome men with arm wrestling

Like a deer in the headlights, you’ve found yourself suddenly trapped by your bro’s handshake. Whether it’s an elaborate, ritualized pattern of movements anchored by piercing eye-contact, or simply a super-intense clasp of hands, fingers wrapped around each other so tightly you can feel his fucking pulse through his palm, there’s a time limit that definitely needs to be respected to prevent a greeting from crossing the line into parody.

Check out these 3 signs that handshake has been going on too long, bro.

1. You’ve Already Missed Two Meals

Is your stomach growling at you? Maybe that’s because this damn handshake has been going on so long you’ve not only had to skip breakfast, but you’re now way past lunch time, too. How does your boss even tolerate his employees standing in the break room locked in manual embrace for four hours at a time? What kind an outfit did you sign up with, bro? How mad intense must the CEO’s handshake be to let this happen?

2.  You Broke A Finger, But Fuck It, You’re Maintaining That Grip

The first rule of Secret Too-Long Handshake Club is that the first person who lets go, loses. It’s actually the only rule – other than the fact that you can never refuse a handshake, especially if it’s the first time you’re seeing the other person that day. You’re pretty sure your index finger was broken by your buddy Ray’s double monster-mitt grip, but if you break that rule you now you’ll be excommunicated from the bro-sphere just like Jim in Accounting, and you can’t take that risk.

3. You’re In Fucking Space

How much energy did you and Bob commit to this handshake? So much, bro, that it launched you off the surface of the Earth into orbit, where you’re now doomed to circle the plant, forever, locked in place by the sheer masculinity of your flexing biceps and interlocked fingers. Why did you both have to be wearing tank tops? Why did you take the risk that Bob had just finished super-setting, too? How are you going to pay for the hole you put in the roof of the gym, bro?




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