3 Signs That Stuffed Bear Isn’t Actually A Therapist

Strange man looks at toy bear

You thought it was a bit weird when you walked into the court-appointed therapist’s office and found yourself face to face with a life-size stuffed bear. It was even wilder when that bear began to talk, and no one else in the room found it in any way unusual. But while it turns out that that teddy bear might have some genuine insights to give you into your convoluted and ultimately confusing life, you’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he’s not a licensed mental health professional.

How can you tell whether the talking stuffed bear that the state is paying $95 an hour is actually a real therapist? Check out these 3 tips.

1. His Diplomas Are In Someone Else’s Name

It’s definitely strange that, while your bear-apist introduced himself as ‘Theodore T. Bear,’ all of his college diplomas and state certifications are instead written out to ‘Dimitri Bearonopolis.’ When you finally got brave enough to ask Theo about this unusual discrepancy, he looked you in the eye and told you, with a straight face, that he ‘ate Dimitri and inherited not just his office, but all of the knowledge locked into his brain, plus his 401k and his wife and kids.’ And then he laughed uproariously, until he started to cough and a little bit of fur flew out of his mouth.

2. He Conducts Every Session On A Floating Stone Tile In A World Of Wonder

Sure, the bear claims that it’s totally legal for him to dispense peyote, and you won’t deny that traveling inward has helped you discover things about yourself you probably wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge outside a realm where nothing is real. Still, it was pretty disturbing when Theo made you fight your spiritual clone to the death, sumo-style, 10,000 feet above a bubbling volcano with only your insecurities tying you to what you consider reality. Not to mention the flashbacks you keep having at work.

3. His Office Is Actually A Party Limo

It’s nice that he picks you up and drops you off wherever you want, but it’s not so cool that his driver – who is an actual, real bear, somehow – can hear everything the two of you are talking about, and constantly live tweets your sessions with the hashtag #humansaretheworst. And you’re pretty sure you got a skin disease from the leather seats.

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