3 Signs Your Dog Is Goth

Top View Closeup Two Dog Paws On Midi Piano

You’ve always suspected, but now it feels almost undeniable. The eyeliner, the new group of friends, the frightening ‘dancing.’ Your dog is Goth.

Where did you go wrong? How can you prevent this from happening again after you’ve had your Goth dog euthanized and replaced by an adopted puppy whose cuteness will only protect it from the lure of flared pants for so long?

Check out these 3 signs your dog is Goth that will help you intervene before it’s too late.

1. Your Dog Is Black

If your dog is black, it’s already halfway to Goth-country. The same goes for dusky grey and, strangely, purple dogs. Wondering how to keep your black dog from slipping away from Led Zeppelin and idolizing Poppy Z. Brite? We recommend a total ban on Electronic Body Music in your household, and no leather or studded leashes.

2. Your Dog’s Poetry Is Atrocious, Yet Has Thousands Of Re-Tweets

An appreciation for horrible poetry is a surefire indicator that your dog has tumbled in with the Goth crowd. Has one of his or her pack had a stanza tattooed on their foreleg yet? Are any of the poems about ‘the darkness inside,’ ravens,’ or ‘becoming’ ? Finally, could any of the poem titles also be mistaken for TripAdvisor reviews of second-hand clothing stores, food courts, or Evanescence concerts? It might already be too late.

3. Your Dog Has Opened A Portal To An Ancient Realm

That humming sound from the hollow your dog dug in the backyard isn’t a subterranean power cable – rather, it’s an emotionally charged portal to a land where Cure lyrics are law and Andrew Eldritch is king. There’s no way to seal it – that kind of hole can never be filled – but you can distract them from it by getting your dog a dead-end job doing some form of telephone tech support where their wardrobe and piercings will be grudgingly tolerated.

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