3 Signs Your New Fentanyl Diet Isn’t Working For You

You’ve tried everything to keep in shape, but nothing seems to work. Starving yourself in between snack breaks, exercising for at LEAST 10 minutes three times a month, cutting down from six meals a day to four – no matter what you try, you’re still a lard-ass who can’t comfortably fly in an economy seat anymore without booking the entire row.

It’s not all that surprising, then, that you turned to fentanyl for help. What’s a bit more shocking is that you’re still alive after the first week. Check out these 3 signs that your new fentanyl diet just isn’t working out.

1. You Cut Off Your Own Arm At Work, Didn’t Even Punch Out

Fentanyl sure has taken the edge off of your carb cravings – as well as your ability to perceive any actual nerve sensations anywhere in your body. Sure, people were shocked when you got your arm caught in a hydraulic press at work and just kept on keeping on for the rest of your shift, previous lifeblood draining from your body while you cracked jokes about your new nickname being ‘Lefty.’ At least you’re melting away those pounds – that arm weight a TON!

2. Your Fentanyl Dealer Has Suggested You ‘Slow Way Down, There, Buddy’

It’s definitely not in your dealer’s best interest to NOT sell you fentanyl, so when he’s holding out on your it’s probably just because he’s jealous of your sensational six-pack abs and complete inability to function without at least three medicated patches slapped onto you back.

3. You’ve Been Dead For Three Days

Is there anything that burns fat faster than the natural state of decomposition the body enters just a few short hours after death? Definitely not, and with fentanyl being your ticket to the other side of this mortal plane, you’re going to have your ‘best you’ front and center at your sparsely-attended open-casket funeral (scheduled between 2:15 pm and 2:30 pm on a Thursday).

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