3 Warning Signs Your Tinder Match Just Wants Your Body…For Sacrifice
So you swiped right, and she swiped right, and now you’re kneeling in the woods behind a long-abandoned church, shivering in the dark while she paints your face with ox blood and chants an incantation that has already lowered the temperature of the air around you by 10 degrees.
How did you get here? Probably by ignoring the signs that your Tinder match wanted your body for ‘all time’ rather than just a ‘good time.’ If you manage to escape, here are all the warnings you missed so that next time, you can save the super-like for someone who won’t eat your eyeballs in a quest for immortality.
1. You Can’t Look Directly At Her
Didn’t you find it weird that when you finally met up in person just outside the cemetery gates (it’s the closest landmark, she claimed, and my place is a mess), that it was seemingly impossible to look directly at her? Every time you did, her face would blur, flicker, and be momentarily replaced by a glowing red skull that showed you simultaneously the best and worst parts of humanity in a split-second burst of imagery and pain.
You didn’t notice that? Seriously? No? You need to be more perceptive, bro.
2. She’s Just A Floating Torso
It’s not a big deal – you’ve had weird dreams where you’ve fucked torsos before, to say nothing of what your browser history has to say about your ‘preferences.’ But this time, something’s different as she floats there in front of you, holding out a foul-smelling thermos filled with a broth she insists you drink before the two of ‘begin the voyage together.’ Maybe she’s not as DTF as she seemed. Maybe she can’t even F because she doesn’t have a V. Maybe you’re the one who’s F’d.
3. She Asks You To Bring Some Rope And A Knife On The Date
Good rope, too, she said. Not that shitty yellow twine stuff, but something that won’t melt when it’s exposed to a flame. And the knife has to be sharp enough to cut through bone. Did you get all that? Are you writing this down? Don’t fuck up, because the stars only align like this once every 333 years.
Technically, they do it every 666 years, too, but it’s unlikely you’ll be around to see it a second time. At least not in corporeal form.