3 Ways A Standing Desk Will Make You Hate Your Job Even More Than You Already Do

Your boss just declared that the entire office is moving to a standing desk system in a frantic bid to latch on to the latest productivity craze. What else is new? You’re convinced that more than half of upper management’s time is spent devising new methods to destroy company morale, and this is just the latest salvo. At least it’s not a koi pond in the third floor bathroom, right?

Check out these 3 ways a standing desk will make you hate your job even more than already do.

1. You’ll Live Longer, Which Means You’ll Have To Work Longer

Do you seriously think you’ll ever be able to retire? Isn’t the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning the certainty that your sedentary, office-based lifestyle guarantees you no more than a couple of years slumming around a nursing home before your clogged arteries just give out in an explosion of plaque and platelets?

Now consider, for a moment, the lifespan extension granted to you by your fucking standing desk. You had planned on dying before the bill collectors came after you in your twilight years, but thanks to Jim in HR you’ll have to keep working until you die in the middle of your quarterly performance review squatting on a medicine ball in your boss’ office.

2. You’ll Develop Monster Calves

It’s already awkward enough to try and slip your pants up over your gigantic ass – imagine how hard it will be once your enormous, over-developed calves are in the picture? Looks like you’re going to be throwing those jeans in the trash and switching to yoga pants by week six of standing in front of your desk, silently building up completely useless muscles you’ll never use but definitely regret when those construction workers catcall you on the way hone from work.

3. You’re An Easier Target For Snipers

One of the best things about sitting down at your desk in the morning? Keeping a low profile. No one questioned your decision to move to the cubicle farthest away from the windows, or why you removed the light bulb from the fixture immediately above your seat, but then again, your coworkers have also never mentioned the copies of ‘Soldier of Fortune’ that you read in the break room. Now that you have to stand, you might as well send up a signal flare to your long list of surprisingly well-armed enemies that you’ve left the business and are living as a completely defenseless civilian. Or…are you?