3 Ways to Fake a DNA Test To Reassure Your Son He’s Yours

It finally slipped out in conversation in front of your son that his mother ‘doesn’t really remember’ the three month period in college where he was most likely conceived. He’s old enough to understand that you might not be his father, but he’s not at the age where science makes total sense to him, which gives you a brief window of opportunity to use smoke, mirrors, and basic chemistry to convince him that he should keep calling you ‘dad.’

Check out these 3 ways to fake a DNA test so you can reassure your son he’s actually yours.

1. Invest Millions In Nanobots

We’ve all seen Star Trek, so we all know that there’s probably no better way to rewrite your genetic code than by releasing a swarm of AI-controlled nanobots into your bloodstream. All it will take is millions of dollars to kickstart this technology and make it a viable choice for cuckolded fathers around the world. What could go wrong? It’s not like nanobots are going to take over the world by mutating into an unstoppable force slowly transforming the surface of the Earth into a grey, protein-like goo. Probably.

2. Show Him Your Robot Arm

Remember that scene in Terminator 2 where Arnie cuts open his arm to prove he’s a robot? You can try the same thing with your kid by telling him he’s half robot, and showing him that fake robot arm you cobbled together in the garage out of Legos you spray-painted silver. Finally, an explanation for why he gets along with his Playstation so much better than he does with you! Since robots don’t have DNA, it’s only logical that the 23andme results were 99.8 percent sure you’d never been inside of his mother.

3. Play The Amish Card

It might seem extreme to move your entire family to an Amish compound where all it takes to convince the local sawbones to fake DNA results is a stick of salty butter and a page torn out of a 10 year old Hustler magazine, but do you want to keep your family together or not?

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