3 Ways To Gain 10 Pounds Of Muscle At Your Office Holiday Party
What’s the worst thing about your office holiday party? Is it the forced banter with colleagues you’d really rather not talk to? The awkward dance routine that Accounting stages every year? Or is it having to deal with your crying cubicle mate as he stares at the photo of his ex-wife and the child he never gets to see after the 10 shots of Jack have fully colonized his bloodstream?
It’s actually none of those things. The most irritating aspect of your office holiday party is all the time it takes away from your gym routine, bro! How are you supposed to maintain your beef machinery if you’re pounding back bite-size pastries instead of pumping iron?
Check out these 4 ways to gain 10 lbs of muscle at your office holiday party.
1. Spike The Punch With Creatine
You’re not really sure what creatine actually is, or how safe it might be to regularly ingest three pounds of powder you receive in the mail every month at a serious discount from a guy in Nebraska named ‘Terry,’ but who can argue with results, right? Make sure to mix as much creatine into the punch as possible, and then just fend off anyone who tries to drink your sweet, bicep-building nectar by taking off your shirt and flexing your pecs. While growling.
2. Copy Machine Squats
Sooner or lady Judy and Brad are going to head down to the copy room and Xerox their butt-parts, so before that happens you’ll want to settle in for a nice copy machine squat session of your own. Hell, get Judy to start her cooter-shot copies while you’re in the middle of your routine for that extra burn. She only weighs another 110 lbs – what are you, so kind of wuss?
3. Shoot Steroids With Your Boss
Sure, you never really pictured your direct superior as a stacker, but that was before you opened the mini-fridge in his office and found all the depo. What better way to bond – and potentially get a raise in the process – than by sticking needles between the webs of your toes on the third floor of the parking garage? Pro tip: make sure to video the entire thing with your phone so you can more effectively negotiate your salary on Monday morning.