3 Ways To Jumpstart Your Low T And Stop Losing At Life

Happy bearded young man standing and drawing testosterone molecu

Is your T low? Probably. Here’s an easy test: when your manager calls you into his office unexpectedly on a Friday afternoon, and you’re standing there staring at each other over the barren landscape of his desk – family photos, a blotter, a laptop packed with porn – who’s sweating more? You or him?

If the answer is ‘you’ – and of course it is, because if your testosterone was where it should be you’d actually be out in the parking lot tearing your boss’ bumper off with your bare hands – then maybe it’s time you followed the advice of Dr. Thomas J. Taylor and got on the rage train like the rest of the primates at your gym.

We’re just kidding. Adjusting your T doesn’t have to mean an assault charge while waiting in line for churros, but it doesn’t have to not not mean that either, if you know what we’re saying.

According to Dr. Taylor, 93 percent of men not fighting in the UFC are currently dealing with levels of testosterone that can only be measured by drawing blood. If you want to amp things up so you can pass a T-test simply by swiping the sweat on your bicep, then you’re going to have to take things to the next level.

Dr. Taylor revealed three surefire methods to boost your T and stop flailing around at life like the sad, hormone-deficient beta-male your significant other secretly thinks you are.

Elephantine chorionic gonadotropin.  When an elephant gets pregnant, her placenta generates testosterone so potent that it can stop a charging lion at 30 paces. After weaponizing it in a lab, the U.S. Army secret discovered that elephant urine, purified and sent into space to maximize exposure to T-rays, is also quite good at boosting testosterone levels in human beings. Available from a mail-order pharmacy in India in glass ampoules that will shatter the first six times you try to use them.

Haribo Salt Licorice.  Did you think they made that shit because people like the taste?

FDR’s Man-Paste. Back when he was president, Franklin D. Roosevelt sweated out more testosterone into the seat of his wheelchair than your puny organs will ever produce over the course of your entire lifetime. Scraped from the seat of his cushion on display in the Smithsonian, you, too can now spread the former president’s genetic legacy all over your armpits and man-up like you should.

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