3 Ways To Keep Custody Of Your Dog After A Break-Up
Let’s face it: you messed up big time with your now-ex-girlfriend/wife/casual Craigslist partner, and you’re at that awkward stage where she’s claiming half the kitchen appliances and most of your Blu-Ray collection as she storms through the house stuffing everything in a big cardboard box labeled ‘FUCK YOU.’
The real question is, how the hell are you going to keep the dog? Sure, technically you ‘adopted him together,’ but in truth you feel closer to that canine that you ever have to your supposed significant other – and now she’s eyeing him from across the room with evil intent.
Here are 3 ways to keep custody of your dog, bro.
1. Make Up A Mental Disorder = Instant Service Animal
You might have ever discussed your crippling fear of running water, birdsong, or smooth jazz, but that doesn’t make it any more less real now that she’s threatening to walk out the door with the only thing that makes life bearable for you tucked under her arm. We’re pretty sure it’s illegal to deprive someone of their service animal, and also certain that your dog definitely doesn’t qualify, but at this point it’s worth a gamble.
2. Reference The Dog’s Role In An Ancient Prophecy
Rex might not know it, but he was born to play a crucial part in the realignment of the Earth’s chakra with the long-forgotten knowledge of a mystic order lost to the annals of history, yet still actively practicing their unusual blend of pagan worship in a church basement down the street twice a week. Your landlord certainly knows, because he kept getting complaints about the incense, and now she needs to know, too. Before N’ylarhotep comes.
3. Claim The Dog ‘Owes You A Kidney’
Medical science might not be completely sold on the feasibility of safely transplanting a dog kidney into a human being, but Manny, the vet tech who lives down the hall, is totally willing to give it a shot – and it just might save your life. Who is she to deprive your dog of the opportunity to heal his master? Who is anyone to suggest that dog kidneys are too tiny, delicate, and frankly unsuited to play any role in the human body? The FDA? Um, pass on answering that one until our lawyers are in the room with us.