3 Ways To Keep The Red Puzzle Piece From Fucking Jenn, Your Office Crush

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You’ve had enough of that red puzzle piece at work. You know who we’re talking about: the one who’s always laughing it up with management, sliding out of the office 10 minutes early on a Friday, and bragging over lunch that his abs are so defined they have their own Braille symbol.

Now that he’s clearly targeted Jenn your office crush as his next conquest, he’s finally gone too far. Jenn is so sweet, so beautiful, and so completely out of your league that you’ll probably never even have a real conversation with her – especially since she’s noticed how much you start to sweat in her presence – but that doesn’t mean you want that damn red puzzle piece from adding her as a notch on his elaborate brass bedpost.

Check out these 3 ways to keep the red puzzle piece from fucking Jenn, your office crush.

1. Straight Up Murder His Ass

You’ve been thinking about it for weeks, so maybe it’s time to finally put ‘Operation Ditch’ into action. You’ve got a lot of options: you could crush his larynx with the bench press bar from his home gym and make it look like an accident, you could slowly poison him using that polonium that your weird uncle brought you back from the former Yugoslavia, or you could just go with the initial scheme to set him on fire and throw him in a ditch. Whatever you do, decide fast, because Tuesday is cheap night at the local movie theater, which is when the red puzzle piece will make its sleazy, and frugal move.

2. Identity Theft

Purchase a wardrobe that’s an exact match for what the red puzzle piece wears and match him at the office every day. Buy the same make, model, and color of car that he drives and park beside him. Use his cologne, no matter how much its pungent aroma reminds you of your summer camp counselor, Jimmy the Bear. Finally, start sleeping in his house at night, slowly inching closer to the bedroom until you can actually get under the covers beside him without waking him up. Only then will you be able to make his power your own, and maybe convince Jenn that you’re the douchebag she should be hooking up with after hot yoga class.

3. Just Cry All Night, Every Night

Who are you fooling? Jenn would never love a man like you, especially with red puzzle piece in the picture. You’re living in a fantasy world, and just like Narnia, it’s filled with centaurs, precocious children, and a magical lion who also might be Jesus. Jenn would never believe that Narnia was real, just like the nurses at your high school didn’t believe that your pink eye wasn’t self-induced. Life is just a series of pink-eyed crying jags while hiding in a massive wardrobe in the home of a mysterious relative, isn’t it?

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