3 Ways To Reveal Your Identity To Your Biological Son (Now That He’s An NBA Star)
Let’s face it: your genetic legacy was never really all that appealing to you until he hit the hard-court and was drafted in the first round. Now that he’s tapped into the star machine that surrounds professional athletes, isn’t it time you got a little compensation for the sperm donation you made in the backroom of an Alabama bar 21 years ago?
We think so – and here’s how to do it. Check out these 3 ways to reveal your identity to your biological son, now that he’s an NBA star.
1. Hire A Skywriter
Yes, skywriters still exist, and yes, they can definitely pencil your request in to their busy, busy schedules. We recommend waiting until the afternoon of his next home game and then have the pilot write ‘I Am Your Dad #44’ along with your pager number right above the stadium. That will show him two things: just how out of touch you are with modern forms of communication, and how much distance you want to keep between the two you as long as the checks start coming.
2. Craft A Tender Letter
Put it all down on paper. Let that ink soak into the page. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you are finally ready to let his money into your life. Make him understand just how much that cash means to you. Use a lot of exclamation marks.
3. Make A Sign
Save up all of your money over the course of a few months so you can buy courtside seats. Smuggle a giant cardboard sign into the building that says ‘#44’s DAD’ with a giant dollar sign and an arrow pointing down at your head. Hold the sign up and make eye contact with him across the playing surface. Don’t resist arrest when security comes to find you. You’ve made your point.