3 Ways To Tell Your Mistress That You’re Not Getting That Big Bonus This Year

Let’s face it: one of the most awkward times in a man’s life is when he has to face up to the fact that he won’t be able to blow his fourth-quarter bonus on a meaningless piece of jewelry for a woman he only has in his life because he can’t face up to his own self-hatred.

Is this man you? Statistically, probably yes. How many more downturns in the economy can your shadow-relationship take before you have to retreat to the sad reality of only purchasing empty gifts for the woman you pledged your life to and who bore your children?

To help you make the best of a bad situation, we’ve put together these three easy ways to tell your mistress that you’re not getting that big bonus this year.

1. Fake A Heart Attack. Or a stroke. Yeah, a stroke is a much better idea, because if it doesn’t take the first time, it’s relatively believable to suffer a second one in short order. If she’s still around after no cadeaux and two cerebrovascular events, you know it’s true love forever, and you should probably consult a divorce attorney. Or a shaman.

2. Move To Another State, And Then Call Her. Make sure you do it from a pay phone. Use short, controlled breaths to mask your sobbing. Don’t use one of those voice disguisers like you’ve seen on America’s Most Wanted. No one wants a late-night voice mail from Smokey the Bear.

3. Burn All The Receipts From Your First Motel Tryst In A Bonfire. Ok, so this isn’t really telling her anything. It’s actually more like telling yourself something – namely, that you don’t go camping with the kids enough. Why else would you have brought marshmallows along? And your outside-son?

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