3 Ways Your Hoarding Habit Is Sexy

Rundown And Ramshackle Home

If you’ve spent any time watching reality TV, you might have gotten the wrong impression about hoarding. Not all hoarders are 60 year old toothless would-be vagrants living in a house where urine-soaked newspaper is a major structural element. Some hoarders are, in fact, you. And you’re damn sexy – not in the least because of your amazing ability to hold on to objects that no one else would think twice about tossing in the trash.

Check out these 3 ways your hoarding habit is sexy – if you can fight your way through the stacks of commemorative plates and sacks of second-hand pacifiers to get to your laptop screen, that is.

1. Owning Over 1,000 Used Ziploc Bags Shows You’re Prepared

Nothing’s hotter than a man who’s ready for anything that life might throw his way – and what better indication than your piles of meticulously organized Ziploc bags that you’ve strategically pilfered from the primary school dumpster that you now think of as your filthy ‘treasure chest.’ Why let the last remaining crumbs of some kid’s Ritz cracker snack from 1997 go to waste when you can easily stuff it into the cracks in the floorboards so that less light enters your basement dungeon, where there are absolutely no victims human beings yoked into eternal servitude to the dark lord you worship have a passing acquaintance with.

2. Old Pornography Is The Best Pornography

Let those newcomers to the dating scene rely on Men’s Health, Maxim, and Esquire for their super-secret sex moves. Your archives are instead loaded with Screw, Juggs, Gigantic Asses, and Modest Gentleman Bondage Quarterly, mags whose pages aren’t just holding up most of your roof beams, but which also contain the instructions to forgotten crowd-pleasers like the ‘Stop Screaming Now,’ the ‘Only Death Is Eternal,’ and ‘Cthulu Likes To Be On Top.’

3. Your Knives Are Never Rusty

You might have let the disturbingly complex sculpture made of coat hangers in the attic succumb to the corrosive entropy that eventually returns all metals to the earth, but your room full of knives is kept meticulously spotless, without any evidence of any rust, fluids, or DNA to be found. It’s something you’re so proud of that you make a point of showing it not just to every date you bring home, but indeed to any person who enters your home for the first and last time. You’ve yet to have anyone leave disappointed.




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