4 Alternatives to Jesus When You Need Her Not To Be Pregnant

Unhappy Young African Couple Looking At Pregnancy Test

Jesus is just alright with the Manonizer staff, but as we all found out in ‘Major League,’ Christ can’t help you hit a curve ball. He also might not be there for you during those few agonizingly-long seconds while you’re waiting for the pregnancy test strip to turn pink or blue and thus determine whether you’ll end up marrying that cashier at Wendy’s or not.

Check out these 4 alternatives to Jesus that you can call on when you really, absolutely, and truly need her not to be pregnant.

1. Baphomet

The Knights Templar are still running things at the global level, and that means their main man Baphomet still carries a lot of weight when it’s time to sway the lining of her uterus from ‘implant’ to ‘reject.’ Discretely prick your finger with a pin and bleed out quietly into your pocket while you stand beside her waiting to see the stick divine your future. Baphomet receives your blood sacrifice. Baphomet offers sight. Baphomet never forgets.

2. Kali

The destroyer of worlds might as well be the destroyer of your unwanted fertility.

3. Whoever It Is That The Mormons Worship

The Mormons are technically Christian, but only in the same way that your second cousin is still ‘technically’ a virgin. Being able to pick and choose things about the Bible that they liked while throwing away stuff that didn’t pass muster has created a unique chance for you to pray to Mormon Jesus at the same time as you also offer up a paean to straight-edge Jesus from the New Testament. By praying to both at the same time, you stand a chance of triggering some type of faith-off in the sky whereupon Jesus 1 and Jesus 2 try to out-do each other in keeping your summer fling barren.

4. Candyman

While you’re waiting on the phone with her as she pees on tab A, run to the bathroom and repeat ‘CANDYMAN CANDYMAN CANDYMAN’ three times into the mirror. With any luck, just before the demon you’ve just summoned guts you with its hook-hand, Candyman will also have time to render your girlfriend infertile.

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