4 Brocipes To Keep You Fed, Bro

Handsome bearded young man cooking grilled sauseges and vegetabl

You’re a dude, and dudes have to eat. But sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where there is no lady around to make you something to eat! If going out or ordering in is not an option, you may find yourself forced to do the unthinkable—you’re going to have to make you own damn meal. Don’t panic, bro! Once again, I’ve got you. These bro-friendly recipes, or brocipes, ensure that nobody will mistake your culinary self-sufficiency for femininity.

1. Grill a hunk of meat on the barbecue. No need to season it—herbs and spices are for ladies and the French! There’s nothing manlier than a slab of dripping red meat over a hot flame. Don’t have a barbecue? Don’t worry! Just light a fire wherever you are and crouch over it. Make sure you grunt loudly at anybody who comes near so they don’t try to take your meat.

2. Make nachos. This requires some assembly, which risks getting all girly and stuff, but nachos are such a dude food that you can just about get away with it. Rip open a bag of chips, throw them angrily in a bowl, and then just smash a wheel of cheese on top of them. If possible, try to rip it apart with your bare hands—that’s the manly way to shred cheese. Pop it in the microwave and press buttons until it starts. Drink a beer while you wait to make the time pass faster. If the cheese hasn’t totally melted by the time the microwave is finished, just eat them anyway, but do it while thinking about how your girlfriend should have been here to make you a better supper.

3. Ramen noodles. The packaged kind. Don’t even bother to cook them. Just rip open at least ten packages of them and throw them into a bowl, plastic and all. Eat them with your hands.

4. Just kill a pigeon and eat it in the street. There’s nothing manlier than killing stuff, and nobody, but NOBODY is going to walk up to the dude crouched in the centre of the sidewalk ripping a pigeon apart with his teeth and suggest that he is anything less than the manliest, the dudeliest, the most BRO of the bros.

It’s as easy as that, dudes. If you find yourself faced with the horrific task of providing your own sustenance, just turn to one of these easy, manly recipes. You can have your dude cred, and eat dinner too.

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