4 Diversions To Avoid Discussing Your Shitty Credit Score


So, the secret’s out and it turns out you don’t qualify for that line of credit you were hoping to place your second mortgage on, in addition to your outstanding car payments and the late fees on that Bambi/Godzilla bdsm porn subscription. Your significant other is probably going to lose their figurative shit and it’s entirely your fault. There is no way you can explain away sheer magnitude of how much financial shit you are in, so here is a carefully considered list of diversions you can employ to quite literally get up and leave the conversation in the hopes of distracting your SO and displacing attention from your egregious financial fuck ups.

1. Start changing all the light bulbs in the house. Every single one, no matter how recently they were installed. Take it one step further and start stringing Christmas lights outside the house, despite the fact that it’s August. Create a festive atmosphere. Your financial statements may have shown you to be completely and utterly useless, but a subtle and classic reminder that you are equally as good as screwing things in as you are at screwing things up may be all that you need to assuage their ire and maybe even convince them not to leave you.

2. Phone in a Mariachi band and schedule an impromptu performance in your own living room. In fact, if you can plan ahead for this (which is an abysmal leap of faith given your inability to plan anything ever), all the better. It will save the awkward silence you’ll have to enforce between you and your SO while you wait for the band to arrive. Also, who can even think about financial woes to the back-drop of a cheerful ensemble performance in celebratory dress?

3. Start pointing out all of their faults. Every last one. If you’re lucky, this may take a while and be a potentially exhaustive ordeal, making them forget all about your epic fuck ups and placing the attention on everything about them that has nothing to do with the conversation. Maybe even casually suggest that they drove you make such poor and reckless financial decisions. Be bold. Be creative. Be relentless.

4. Get up and tell them you’re going to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes or a carton of milk. Never return home. Just like your dad.

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