4 Signs Your Company’s Child CEO Is Out Of Control

Young Men Preparing His Job Application

It was a move designed to shake-up Wall Street late last summer when the board at your Fortune 500 company turfed the existing brain trust and installed a child CEO as the new figurehead. At first it seemed like the six year old executive would most likely serve as a sock puppet for the senior shareholders, but that was before he began bringing his own sock puppets to quarterly meetings and using them to individually fire his most dangerous rivals in the most demeaning way possible.

Now you’re running full steam ahead into the new economy with a CEO who’s just barely out diapers at the helm – and it looks like all of that power has finally gone to his tousled little head. Check out these 4 signs your child CEO is overstepping his boundaries.

1. Controversial ‘Miss A Sale, Eat A Crayon’ Policy Is Killing Morale

It used to be missing a sale was call for a pep talk from management. Now it’s been transformed into a public spectacle where you’re called on the carpet in the CEO’s office and made to stuff as many crayons into your mouth as you can until he gets bored and returns his attention to the toy dinosaurs strewn across his desk. If you don’t swallow, you can’t leave the room, and so far no one has survived Round 2.

2. Line Item Expenses For ‘Wet Nurses’ Are Through The Roof

You know he’s too old to be breastfeeding, he knows he’s too old to be breastfeeding, and the stack of lawsuits steadily mounting in Legal clearly demonstrate he’s not old enough to be interacting with anyone without supervision. Still, a steady parade of Craigslist ‘wet nurses’ flow in and out of the offices all day, and last week they had to fire Steve in the warehouse because they couldn’t bury the milk in petty cash anymore and had to sacrifice his salary to your CEO’s milk moustache.

3. ‘Cookie Bonus’ Has Destroyed Your 401k

Cookies are delicious, but they’re not enough to put you in a retirement home with a wall around it tall enough to keep out marauding future gangs intent on devouring the elderly and gaining their power. The fact that the ‘cookie bonus’ has replaced your company’s matching contributions to your 401k is yet another reminder that your parents were right and you should have quite the first day your boss peed in a corner of your cubicle and tried to blame you for it.

4. Boardroom Replaced With Bouncy Castle

When are you too old to be bouncing up and down inside a plastic castle while you read the latest profit and loss statements? When you’ve given up on life, that’s when – and it’s pretty clear you walked away from controlling your own destiny the minute you agreed to make the local Chuck E. Cheese mascot your direct report.

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