4 Skin Suits That Will Get You Kicked Off The Beach This July 4 Weekend

We’re all for pushing the limits of fashion, but is the beach really the best place to be showing off those lifelike skin suits that you spent the last six months hunting and trapping humans working on in your basement?

Probably not if you want to stay out of prison. Check out these 5 skin suits that will get you kicked off the beach this July 4 weekend, right into country lock-up.

1. Jerry

Jerry was your first victim model, and the only one you met sight-unseen from Craigslist. It was a little awkward at first, given that his 6 foot 4 inch stature required serious alterations to match your rounder, and stubbier form, but overall you’re happy with how soulless his eyeholes ended up. Not that the pack of angry lifeguards surrounding you in the breakwater can appreciate that, of course.

2. Lisa

You were never quite able to wipe that surprised expression off of Lisa’s face – a combination of adrenaline and whatever the pineal gland produces when terror overcomes reason, you suppose. Finally, a chance to wear that bikini outside of a fetish-night setting!

3. Sam

Sam was a little too trust on his first day working for Amazon.com, and as a result you now know what a perfectly-toned set of biker thighs look like stretched across your own pasty legs. It’s too bad that the fine folks of your quiet beach community can’t acknowledge how carefully you hid all of the stitching, or how easily you’ll slip those handcuffs when you ditch Sam’s hands entirely in the back of the cruiser.

4. Ethan

Ethan’s decision to go along with you in the car you were test driving at the local Lexus dealership proved to be a fateful one for the both of you, because you’d never tried on a Hugo Boss suit before. Technically, Ethan’s still the one wearing it, and technically you’re not supposed to get it wet, but technically, there are no rules in your world, are there?

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