4 Things To Do When Calling Yourself ‘Doctor’ Goes Too Far

Doctor Hands In Handcuffs

It finally happened: someone responded to that Craigslist ad you’ve been posting for months, and now they’re strapped to a gurney in your basement about to undergo the ‘procedure’ you both know is only legal in Paraguay and Equatorial Guinea. It was precisely that moment when you first heard the sirens in the distance, and knew you were going to run out of time before you ran out of morphine.

You’ve only got a few minutes to prepare before the police kick down your door and your victim patient discovers your medical diploma is from the University of Phoenix. Here’s what you need to do.

1. Open The Trap Door

You know which trap door we’re talking about. The one that covers the pit it took you weeks to dig, the one that’s reinforced with soundproof insulation and strengthened to withstand both cutting torches and explosives. The one you needed.

2. Lower The Gurney

Time to put that block and tackle you had installed in the ceiling of your basement to use. Hitch it up to the stainless steel hooks one either side of the body patient and then gently lower it into the holding cell pit where it will automatically clamp down against the easy-to-wash tile floor.

3. Incinerate Your Clothes

CSI taught you it takes an 800 degree flame to eliminate all traces of DNA. That’s why you built a 900 degree furnace. No one trusts David Caruso.

4. Replace Your Face With Your Patient’s Face, Assume Their Identity, Live The Life Of A Free Man

That’s why you had this entire thing set up, right? You do know how to do a facial transplant, don’t you? I mean, if Hannibal Lecter could do it in a jail cell, surely your vast collection of eBay-purchased medical toys will let you do the same in the 30 seconds or so you have before you feel the cuffs around your wrists. Right? Right? Shit.

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