4 Things You Should Never Touch In The Supermarket
The world outside your home is a wilderness filled with lurking bacterial superpredators with names so scary doctors faint simply trying to make the diagnosis. That hangar where they store the food you stuff into your face every week is no better – a haven of virii, infection, and temptation that beckons to you with each growl of the stomach.
Don’t go in unprotected. Here are the 4 things you should never touch in the supermarket.
The Soft, Smooth Skin of the Cashier’s Hand
It’s right there. Holding your change, hovering in the air. Waiting for you to touch it. To stroke it. To see what it feels like. But you can’t do that, can you? You have to play by ‘their’ rules. You’re so good at it. But no one else can see that pain it causes you. To be like them. But not like them. Because you’ll never be this soft.
The Shopping Cart Handle
Think of all the disgusting things you did with your hands just over the course of the past five minutes. Now imagine 100 strangers doing the same thing, but making sure to wipe the evidence onto the handle of your shopping cart. Leave that thing parked. Or bring a black light with you to – no. No, don’t ever bring a black light to a supermarket. It’s like the front of a 13 year old’s pants in there.
That Pile Of Meat In The Alley
Ok, so technically it’s not ‘in’ the supermarket, it’s ‘near’ the supermarket, and there’s no way to ‘prove’ that pile of ‘meat’ actually ‘belongs’ to anyone. But you really shouldn’t touch it. Or even be in that alley in the first place.
Don’t Touch Anything At All
You see those bags hanging at the end of the fruit and vegetables aisle? They’re not there simply to gather your kiwis in one place. In fact, there are so many pesticides baked into the rind of whatever leafy green you might buy at the supermarket that it’s probably safer to let your tomatoes roll around in your cart and disinfect whatever they come into contact with. What those bags are really for is to wrap up your hands for the duration of your visit to the festering cesspool of a supermarket that’s closest to your house. Make sure to double-bag your hands and then burn the filthy plastic in the parking lot when you’re done.