4 Things Your Dog Can Swallow To Instantly Become A Service Animal

Since your life is all about shortcuts, you really don’t have the time to actually wait for a trained service dog to come into your life. Good news: you’ve already got a beloved mutt or two hanging around, don’t you? It’s time they started earning their keep, and there’s no path to service dog status that’s faster than having one of them swallow something that’s really, really important to you.

Check out these 4 things your dog can scarf down to instantly become a service animal.

1. Car Key Fob

It might be awkward having to hold you pit bull’s belly as close to the door handle as possible, but until that laxative kicks in Rex is going to be riding shotgun to make sure your ignition doesn’t suddenly switch itself off in the middle of the highway. That’s what you get for leaving your keys on the floor, dude.

2. Your Dad’s Pacemaker

It’s a good thing your sister was willing to lend you her Baby Bjorn, because without that pooch-sized backpack, your dad would be a dead man. How, exactly, your Pomeranian managed to get its thin lips on his new pacemaker before the surgeon could stitch it up inside of him remains a mystery, but never before has such a small dog been charged with such a massive responsibility. Also, every time the pooch hiccups, your dad has a seizure. Good stuff!

3. An EpiPen

You might be deathly allergic to bee stings, but it turns out that your Doberman is only afraid of what might happen if he didn’t eat the entire contents of your medicine cabinet while you slept passed out on the living room couch. You know that needle’s in there somewhere, and you’ll have to gather all of your strength to jam his muscled stomach against your ass and hope the tip of the needle pokes through just before your airways close up and you lose consciousness.

4. A Loose Bag Of Viagra

Fun fact: dogs can’t metabolize Viagra, so all you have to do is hover behind Rover with a plastic bottle and then come up with a compelling reason as to why you’re drinking canine piss before your big date tomorrow night. So, basically, a typical weekend. For you.

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