4 Times You Were Cock-Blocked By Your Own Privilege

Business people before boarding a private jet.
Your accident of birth immensely privileged position has gotten you far in society, but there have also been times when having all the breaks go your way ended up unexpectedly cock-blocking you. It’s really not fair that being given every opportunity to succeed sometimes translates into not being able to get your rocks off, but that’s the trade the modern world has asked you to make on your arduous journey from the top to a slightly higher top.

Check out these 4 times you were cock-blocked by your own privilege.

1. The Time You Had To Cancel That Orgy To Interview At Harvard

It takes weeks of planning to pull off a successful orgy – just ask any of your Skull and Bones buddies at Yale – and all of that went to shit when your dad pulled some strings and got you a last-minute interview at Harvard. Forget the deposit on the furry suits – the worst part was knowing that you just traded a night of confusing passion with total strangers for a total lock on a future filled with strong earnings and the respect of your peers. Standing on the shoulders of giants sucks sometimes, especially when you’ve got a boner.

2. The Time Your Dad’s Ferrari Didn’t Have A Back Seat

Things were going so well with Stacey when you pulled up to your usual parking spot overlooking the city. Then you realized something terrible: the Ferrari you borrowed from your dad because your Escalade was in the shop didn’t have a back seat! You had to settle for an HJ because Stacey’s just not as flexible as Marie and wasn’t willing to ‘do it on the roof.’ What the fuck was Ferrari thinking when they built this piece of shit? You left it unlocked in a bad neighborhood and took an Uber home to teach your father an important lesson about respect, and blue balls.

3. The Time Your Home Tanning Bed Burned Your Junk

You know you’re supposed to cover up ‘down there’ when you’re relaxing in the tanning bed your parents gave you for acing that traffic school class, but how else do they expect you to get an even café au lait unless you go full Monty? Falling asleep and forgetting to set the timer taught you the hard way that Jenna isn’t interested in touching your scabbed up cash-and-prizes after prom, so fuck you, tanning bed, for cock-blocking a formative high school experience. Oh, and also for temporarily disfiguring your penis – good thing mom’s got that rejuvenation surgeon on speed-dial.

4. The Time You Couldn’t Take The Time-Shared Jet To Cabo

Marcy was so down to join the mile high club and then get wild in Mexico with you that the disappointment was crushing when you pulled up to the private jetport terminal and realized that the starting line-up of the Chicago Bulls had the time-share that weekend. She wouldn’t even look at you on the ride back to the Four Seasons, bro. She wouldn’t even look at you.

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