4 Useless Sex Positions You Learned From Late-Night Cable
The day your parents got cable was the day you learned just how many nipples were floating around out there at the end of the living room remote control. You stayed up late, waited for your parents to fall asleep, and then lost yourself in a confusing world where actors who fell just short of Hollywood beauty standards made genital-less sex in every twenty minutes, or whenever the writers decided the audience needed a break from the plot.
Softcore merrymaking might have gotten you off when you were 14, but it also put you on a path to confusing sexual scenarios when you finally swapped your hand for a living, breathing partner. Check out these 4 useless sex positions you learned from late-night cable, and revel in the memories of all those times you cock-blocked yourself.
1. The Hip-Slapper
This is the one where the man sits back on his haunches and the woman repeatedly slams her hips into his hips over and over while staring intensely into his eyes, and maybe growling a little. Advanced versions of this move see her tilting her head back with her mouth open while she wordlessly expresses the pain of all that bone-on-bone contact. Who knew there weren’t any pleasure centers in the solar plexus? You certainly didn’t the first time you tried this in junior high.
2. The Pelvic Destroyer
Another instance of Tab A simply not fitting into Slot B. Off-brand Ken and Barbie might have been able to fake-doggystyle all night long, but try this oddly-angled grind that was specifically designed to hide, not slide, the wiener, and you’re likely to end up with a limp. In fact, it’s a wonder you and your college girlfriend weren’t forced to share a walker by the end of the first semester.
3. The Worm
It’s just like ‘The Worm’ you’d lay down on the dance floor if you were accidentally transported back to the mid-80s, only this time you’re doing it over top the naked body of a woman who just wants you to get it the fuck in and stop fucking around, dude.
4. The Lurch
This is the most complex late-night cable sex move, and simultaneously the most dramatic. Typically, the lurch was reserved for an angry, cathartic argument between two characters who didn’t know yet that they were going to be making the beast with no balls-or-cooter on-screen until the force of their passionate shouting dissolved into an awkward ‘grab her from behind while she’s crawling away and definitely don’t penetrate her but make it look like maybe you have if her vagina was located just above the back of her knee’ type of movement. If you’ve ever pulled off the lurch in real life, you should probably register as a sex offender.