4 Uses For The Expired Condom In Your Wallet

Man Wallet

Does it have a name? Do you celebrate an anniversary together? After all, it’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had. We’re talking, of course, about that bone-dry foil wrapper lodged in your wallet between your driver’s license and expired (and now collectible) Blockbuster card.

The condom.

You know which one we’re talking about. It’s the one your buddy gave you in your last year in college ‘just in case.’ It’s the one you forgot to wear that one time on vacation in Puerto Vallarta and then had to call your pitifully short list of past lovers to inform them…of what, exactly? That you were going to transmit gonorrhea to them through some temporal portal of past-facing pity-fucking?

In any case, if you haven’t worn it by now, then you should probably either replace it with one that didn’t pass its due date during Obama’s first term, or simply join a monastery. Either way, don’t let that hunka hunka wasted love-rubber go to waste. Check out these 4 uses for that expired condom in your wallet.

1. Ruin Your Son’s Science Fair Project

Is there a baking soda volcano out there that couldn’t be improved via the inappropriate repurposing of decade-old latex? Yes, all of them. Condoms are no replacement for papier mache – and the same applies in reverse, you disgustingly creative carnal MacGyver.

2. Make A Scary Halloween Mask. Wear It To Work. Win The Prize Of Solitude

That face-peeling trick never gets old, and chances are the condom will tear before it completely seals off your air passages.

3. Balloon Animal

Handing a kid a lubricated latex poodle might scar them for life, but then again, it might also inspire them to never trust another adult again. Some lessons are better learned early.

4. Have A Kid To Save Your Marriage.

As the rubber disintegrates inside of your undoubtedly-bored spouse’s barely-lubricated love cavity, console yourself with the knowledge that you, too, were an accident.

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