4 Warning Signs She’ll Use Her Unstoppable Ginger Powers To Control Your Life
Cassandra, the girl you met at your pub’s weekly trivia night, might be smoking hot, but she’s also a ginger. You know what that means: any romantic entanglement with this palest example of the female species runs the risk of triggering her awesome ginger powers, and thereafter forever being under her control.
Check out these 5 warning signs that Cassandra is ready, willing, and able to use her unstoppable ginger abilities to completely take over your life.
4. She Casually References Her Past Murders
While drinking a beer together after drubbing past champions ‘Stephen Hawkin’s School Of Dance’ last week, she almost off-handedly mentioned the time she sent her spirit upon her ex-boyfriend’s irritating best buddy while he was driving home from work one night, causing him to swerve off the road and drown in a local river. She maintained eye contact with you the entire time she told the story, and you’d swear your core body temperature dropped 10 degrees by the time she was through.
Is it wrong that you found that incredibly sexy, yet also disturbing? Like when you used to take baths with your step-sister?
Ummmm, pass on answering that one.
3. Her Only True Friends Are Other Gingers
Have you ever noticed that she never talks about anyone other than her other ginger friends? And you’ve never seen her post a Facebook pic of anyone who didn’t also have the Irish curse. Could it be because only other gingers are immune to her mystical mind-control abilities?
Probably. Why are you asking us? It’s not like we majored in Ginger Studies.
2. Babies Cry When She’s In The Room
Ok, so it’s a bit weird that someone brought a baby to a bar in the first place, but as soon as it got within 10 feet of Cassandra it began to wail the unholy shriek of the damned. Could it be that babies are terrified of gingers because they instinctively know that they aren’t born from human mothers like a normal child, but are instead dropped, fully formed, from God’s beard in a bid to ‘shake things up’ on Earth?
What the fuck is up with all the ginger questions man, just ask her out and stop being such a wuss!
1. She Can Stop Time
You were both running for the last train after trivia, when seconds before it was scheduled to pull away from the platform she scrunched up her eyes and nose and made a noise that sounded a bit like a bulldog gnawing a big juicy bone. Suddenly, the air around you grew still, and all the other passengers stood there, frozen in place, along with the equally-immobile train. She took your hand and led you inside its doors, stamped her foot, and you were on your way.
You’re so fucked, dude.