4 Ways To Deal With Her Ability To Moodily Stare Into Infinite Futures
You knew the new girl in your life was different, but you didn’t understand how deeply true that was until she began to gaze off into the distance, an angst-ridden look on her face, and then provide you with surprisingly accurate predictions about future events.
At first, this seemed like a real bonus: winning lottery numbers, stock prices, sports betting, seemingly infinite riches were finally within your grasp. Then you slowly started to realize that 99.9 percent of her predictions involved your relationship, her job, how shitty her friends treat her, and how unlikely it is that Taylor Swift will be able to maintain her tsunami of chart success in the face of an aging fan base, none of which are all that easy to monetize.
What are you going to do now? Check out these 5 ways to deal with her ability to moodily stare into infinite futures, and start learning how to cope, bro.
1. Construct A Quantum Singularity
One of the few places where you’re safe from the absolute gloomy certainty of your girlfriend’s portrait of your future together is within the completely unpredictable confines of a quantum singularity, so get cracking! All you’ll need is the sum of every available energy source in the universe, a team of renegade scientists, and an afternoon free from her constant nagging about the argument you’re about to have re: all that time you spend in the quantum singularity instead of watching Orange is the New Black with her on Netflix.
2. Surround Her With Android Replicas Of Yourself
In a universe filled with infinite possibilities, given enough android versions of yours truly, every possible future could come true – thus, in theory, overwhelming her ability to predict the exact date and time you’ll fail to notice the new shoes she bought specifically to impress you.
3. Cast A Spell
If science doesn’t work, why not open up your trusty Dungeons and Dragons grimoire, or talk to one of those kids who works at Hot Topic who can also see into the future and ask them for some kind of talisman, protective spell, or magic mascara that will shield you from the endless sadness of her roaming third eye.
4. Ask Her How You Can Help Or Something
Put yourself out there, make a genuine connection with your partner, and see if you can help her wade through the never-ending visions, vibes, and horrors she sees stretching before the two of you immediately after making the decision to go to Ikea together.