4 Ways To Deal With Her Swampmouth Before Things Get Too Intimate
She’s smoking hot, she’s into you, and she’s single. There’s just one problem: the inside of her mouth smells like an EPA Superfund site that’s been on fire for at least six months.
Sure, you’re had worse things touch your lips, but in our age of scientific wonder should you really have to choose between trenchmouth and celibacy? Thankfully, the answer is no – and we’ve got more than a few proven methods to help you deal with overwhelming oral odor before the little blue pill wears off.
You Could Both Wear Gas Masks
Maybe it’s too early to be introducing this particular kink into the relationship – but then again, maybe it’s not. She might question why you had two perfectly form-fitting PVC masks with ex-Soviet markings on them so readily available on your first date, or she may just go with the flow. Either way, neither of you will have to initiate any kind of lip contact, which is fine because she’s going to be wearing gloves when she touches you anyway, right?
Maybe Do It Underwater?
How long can you hold your breath? How clean is the Jacuzzi? How cool is she with you keeping all of your clothes on the entire time you’re chilling together under the jets? Time to find out.
Build A Robot, Send The Robot On The Date Instead
Remember how hilarious it was when you constructed an android that looked and talked just like you and then sent it to your job for six months while you stayed at home trying to deal with your crippling fear of a world where no one could tell the difference between you and an android? It’s like that, only this time, it’s for dating / avoiding mouth fumigation.
Feign A Vow Of Silence
Indicate to her, via a series of notes or texts, that you have taken a vow of silence for deeply personal and spiritual reasons. Make sure she understands that if she were to open her mouth, it would greatly offend you. Avoid halitosis by not following her out the door after she throws her drink at you.