4 Ways To Keep Sex Hot When One Of You Is A Mannequin

Mannequins on sales
Your friends warned you that dating a mannequin wouldn’t be easy, but what they never felt comfortable discussing was how to keep the sparks flying after those first few weeks of man-on-mannequin passion have started to die down.

Luckily, we’re not so squeamish. Check out these 4 tips on how to keep the sex hot when one of you is a mannequin.

1. Look Into Its Hard, Lifeless Eyes

Why you always gotta be hitting that mannequin from the back? For a deeper emotional connection, try a position that allows you to gaze deeply into the hard, plastic eyes that you painted on with nail polish after finding the mannequin abandoned in a dumpster behind Sears. Switch up the colors, try some glitter, keep it fresh – all of which are important aspects of any relationship with an inanimate piece of plastic.

2. Get Frisky In A Public Place

Always having sex in the swing you built specifically for fucking mannequins in your basement? A lack of variety will quickly squelch the flame between consenting adults and adult-shaped objects, so why not take a road trip to a secluded forest, abandoned mine, or that ravine people toss out their old appliances into – anywhere folks won’t judge you for what goes on when the mannequin’s tracksuit comes off.

3. Suggest A Threesome With Another Mannequin

You don’t have to hit up Craigslist to find another mannequin to bone: you can just go to the mall and hide out in Macy’s until everyone else goes home and they turn off the lights. Then, the world’s your stiff-armed, easy-to-wipe-down oyster, you mannequin fucker, you. Plus, public sex with multiple mannequin partners kills two uncanny valley birds with one stone.

4. Fill The Crotch Hole With Warm Apple Pie

Yeah, your Fleshlight fits in the dishwasher, but have you considered taking a page out of Hollywood history and pulling a Jason Biggs with the object of your expressionless desire? Warm apple pie filling, introduced into the crotch hole by way of a modified turkey baster, is only creepy until you’re balls deep in Granny Smith. Just make sure you let it cool down enough so that you won’t have to make an awkward 911 call mid-thrust.

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