4 Ways To Lose Weight While You Sleep

fat man sleep on the sofa and holding tv remote control

Some of us are born to pump iron, while others believe repping pizza from plate to face is the preferred way to activate those biceps. Regardless of how you might feel about exercise, society has already passed its judgment on your body, and it better not be fucking fat, fatty, unless you want to die miserable and alone under a pile of Dominos boxes.

Have no fear: you can still pursue your dream of washboard abs and the acceptance of others in your peer group (and maybe even taking your shirt off at the beach) simply by, well, dreaming. Here are 5 ways to lose weight while you sleep that are guaranteed to give you the results you are looking for.

1. Have The World’s Most Terrifying Night Terrors, For Weeks On End

Studies have shown that the least restful type of sleep is also the best for melting away fat. Waking up every 10 to 15 minutes from the depths of the most horrific dreams you could ever imagine puts your body’s metabolism into overdrive, with your heart beating in time with the wings of the indescribable monsters threatening to drag you back to their eternal palace of darkness. We’re not saying setting Netflix to queue up an entire night’s worth of ‘Children of the Corn’ sequels just before you nod off on the couch is a good idea, but then again, it certainly doesn’t sound like a bad one.

2. Chase Uppers With Downers

Want to kickstart your heart without having to deal with any nightmares? Better living through chemistry promises the ability to lose weight while you sleep by amping up your body’s burn rate as you simultaneously knock your brain unconscious. A careful (read: handful) dose of uppers and downers, taken together, will put your mind to sleep but keep your body running a tachycardiac marathon until someone dumps your twitching body in front of the emergency room doors in the middle of the night.

3. Sleep Outside, In The Snow, Forever

Maybe you’ve heard of the ‘cold steel’ method of liposuction, where the bonds holding fatty tissue are dissolved through the application of sub-zero metals to your abdomen and butt? Allow us to introduce you to the full-body version: sleeping in a snowbank! Burrow a small grave hole, bunk down, and let the freezing temperatures eliminate fat. Or something.

4. Make A Deal With An Elder God

N’ylarho-tep eats fat. N’ylarho-tep must be fed. Won’t you feed N’ylarho-tep – before it’s too late?

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